Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
You Might Also Like
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Don’t frighten the programmers!
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly