@Discourt: I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn't have to hear her say she's done.
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@LeonEarlgrey: The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it "shes probably lying airlines".
@ArfMeasures: [1st time at a crime scene] Cop: What do you think happened? Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags Cop: um we put them on Me: Another good theory
@Home_Halfway: "Can I buy you a drink?" Sure! What's your name? "Uhh. I don't know. I never get this far" You don't know your name? *sweats* Pants are cool
@longwall26: Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.