@JermHimselfish: I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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@trojansauce: [getting a haircut] BARBER: anything else? ME: cut me BARBER: what? no ME: like sweeney todd BARBER: i'm no- ME:make me into a pie
@Crunch11b: Every time someone says, "at least it's a dry heat," I want to stab them with a box cutter. *at least it's a short knife.
@weinerdog4life: Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there's a wormhole in my kitchen
@therealeatwood: [In this tweet spoons fall in love harder than anyone] “My darling I am a spoon for you, you fill my world with frogs” [and frogs are joy]