@JermHimselfish: I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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@leslid79: 1. Change last name to Crunch. 2. Join the military. 3. Work my way up to Captain. 4. Become Captain Crunch. 5. WIN LIFE
@conanobrienswyf: All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
@juliussharpe: Facebook's "People you may know" should be called, "People you definitely know and have been avoiding".