I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Did a trash talking tree write this?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.