Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
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I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
When someone trying to leave me
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.