Very problematic
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Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me