WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
ACED my prostate exam!
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.