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It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.