I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
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Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.