I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
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You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.