I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
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when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
set yourself free xox
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”