I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
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Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?