I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
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My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?