I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
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What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter