[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT