I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
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[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
#Caturday
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?