“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
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you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS