I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
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I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we鈥檙e going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
dinosaur: how鈥檇 you die
human: stupid
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 馃槈
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I鈥檝e been saving mice elf for marriage
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If you know, you know 馃槀馃殧
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.