I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
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“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.