Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
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Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse