I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
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Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.