I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
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‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
no their not
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.