I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
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Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
meanwhile over on facebook
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.