I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
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I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
☺️
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video