I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
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Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.