I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
can you read it!!??
maan!
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE