I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Oh, I bet you would be
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone