“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
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Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time