I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
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[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
hi why am I like this
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?