Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
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Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Guilty! 🤪
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Tough love is true love
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business