*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
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*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
British people be like I’m Bri ish
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!