You Might Also Like
Super Hand Dog Face
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
You know…for fall…
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.