I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
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My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
i now pronounce you bounced.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.