@ninjadinosaur1: I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you've obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
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@WilliamAder: I remember my first time at a mic. "Cleanup on aisle 5" & "Price check-Advil" were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
@TheMichaelRock: Some guy told me I wasn't funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.
@Rollinintheseat: Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell "She's right there!" every time she comes on the screen until you're escorted out of the theater.
@MissNaughty1801: My mother in law:did you put the weight on? Me:no...actually I've lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you