Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
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Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
That 👊
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
uncle dave has been through hell
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion