Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
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ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Catering service
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it