I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
doing some research
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.