@highwayhooligan: I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [outside of bank] Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok! Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready! Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I'm gonna need a minute.
@GrillinChillin9: Eve: Wrong hole! Adam: Sorry, it's my first time. How do U know it's the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it's just us two you know
@Sickayduh: CVS clerk: Receipt? Me: Sure *God uses 2 fingers to gently close the eyes of an entire rain forest*
@Better_Clever: Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives.. What the hell is wrong with you?!