I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications