@highwayhooligan: I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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@kyry5: [God creating the stingray] Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought "what if I made my bathmat a murderer?"
@imVig: Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!
@DirtMcTurd: When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper "yes, please don't stop" because people need to learn not to talk to me.