I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Message from the dog groomers
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.