I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
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Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I have two kinds of followers
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Uh oh…
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.