I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
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Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*