I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.