I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
You Might Also Like
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
They must have gotten it to go.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.