@blondebombs: I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
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@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story? Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.
@Playing_Dad: Me: We don't have any more Girl Scout cookies and now I'm sad. Wife: I get sad, too. Like when I think about being married to a 40yo baby
@HeyZeus666: Intellectual. A man who can explain electricity but doesn't know how to screw in a light bulb.
@mattgallo123: *goes to get phone out of car *sees car has been stolen *finds phone in back pocket OH THANK GOD