I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
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coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The 6 types of sex
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan