If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
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[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day