@numbertze: I eat my pizza with a knife and fork because I am from a big family, and you need weapons to protect your food at all times
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@daemonic3: [dj voice] "Make some noise, Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "Whatcha wanna hear, I'm taking requests" [in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I'M DAD
@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
@liv_thatsme: If you can't say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they're like, "hey, that wasn't nice." Buy some time.
@MarfSalvador: [Pulled over by cops] Murderer: I swear officer! There ain't nuthin in the trunk! Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT