BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close