I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
two people or more is called a problem
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.