Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
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Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
drew a comic about my origin story
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.