I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
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Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Only short people can save us
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA