@bridger_w: I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
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@TheBosha: Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU'RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.
@ArfMeasures: ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I'm gonna sting him BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
@sulkywhitegirl: I like how my autocorrect changes "hun" to "Hun," like I'm playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.
@NYC_Blonde: Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE'S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES