Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Is your wife single?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.